Here’s the important bit: Ireland’s entry is the ninth performance of the night, just over half way through.

The rest of tonight’s running order is as follows:

1. Malta: Coming Home, performed by Firelight
2. Israel: Same Heart, performed by Mei Finegold
3. Norway: Silent Storm, performed by Carl Espen
4. Georgia: Three Minutes to Earth, performed by The Shin and Mariko
5. Poland: My Slowianie – We Are Slavic, performed by Donatan & Cleo
6. Austria: Rise Like a Phoenix, performed by Conchita Wurst
7. Lithuania: Attention, performed by Vilija Mataciunaité
8. Finland: Something Better, performed by Softengine
9. Ireland: Heartbeat, performed by Kasey Smith and Can-Linn
10. Belarus: Cheesecake, performed by Teo
11. FYR Macedonia: To the Sky, performed by Tijana
12. Switzerland: Hunter Of Stars, performed by Sebalter
13. Greece: Rise Up, performed by Freaky Fortune feat. RiskyKidd
14. Slovenia: Round and Round, performed by Tinkara Kovac
15. Romania: Miracle, performed by Paula Selling & OVI

Are you all watching Father Ted? GOOD.

Just in case you’re not up to speed on how it works tonight, here’s the deal.

Only people in the 16 countries that are actually competing can vote, plus three of the “Big Five” nations, ie. the countries who dish out the big moolah to make this thing happen.

Voting is split 50/50 between phone lines and juries from these countries.

Did you know that the neckpiece the lovely Kasey Smith is wearing tonight was designed by a Game of Thrones costume maker? So now.

Lina Arvidsson Lina Arvidsson

Here we go! Tonight’s opening montage is all a bit X-Factor-y, isn’t it?

Hello Marty! Our lovely commentator is in exuberant form, as usual.

Now we’re seeing a family being lead by blue orbs. Lead… TO THE EUROVISION.

Last night’s proceedings began with a rendition of 2013′s winner, Only Teardrops.

Tonight, we get men in boxes. Hmm.

After that rather impressive dance performance, we meet our hosts for the second time.

All still very handsome. The Style tonight is marginally better than last night, though I’m not sure about the tiny disco balls on Lise’s hips.

“We’re in fighting form.”

Yes we are, Marty. Ireland are going to do this.

First up is Malta, and we’ve got some Mumford and Sons-inspired stuff right here.

The lead singer is staring unblinkingly into the camera.

Unblinkingly.

Now we have us some Israel, and what appears to be our first big ballad of the night.

Mei Finegold certainly has some impressive pipes.

Was that a…key change?

Israel bringing our Key Change Count to 1.

Nothing particularly Eurovision-winning so far, don’t you think?

Will Norway bring out the big guns? Unfortunately, the piano and mopey singer says NO.

It is a nice song though. We’ll give them that.

Right. Georgia are giving us some “jazz-fusion” according to Marty.

Jazz-fusion rules decree your bass-drummer must ALWAYS wear a parachute. Always.

I don’t think anyone in the Georgia entry fully agreed on what to do for the performance, so they just did everything.

Poland attempting to tap into the popularity of Nicki Minaj, Iggy Azalea et al with a female rapper, I see.

Not sure what the alluring washerwoman is doing there, though.

Yes Niall, I believe they did. EUROVISION.

The Polish butter churner is going down a storm on Twitter, anyway.

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IT’S CONCHITA TIME.

Don’t lie, you were waiting for this. We all were.

Fantastic frock. Fantastic voice.

Conchita, you are fantastic.

Kim Kardashian WISHES for that contouring.

“Oh good heavens, I may never shave again.” Marty, on Conchita’s performance.

Nor I, Marty. Nor I.

Lithuania have a tough act to follow. The singer and dancer are sporting Tron-inspired costumes.

Nocookie Nocookie

See what I mean?

Finland are up. That means just one thing…IRELAND ARE NEXT.

STOP SCREAMING, FINLAND.

OK. Are we ready for this? This is our moment. Our time to shine.

As you can see the Celtic theme is strong again this year, with Irish dancers and bodhráns. Will we ever lose the bodhráns?

Kasey’s looking and sounding mighty, and the backdrop is very pretty altogether.

I bopped in my seat when the key change kicked in. Did you bop?

Marty bopped. He’s “worn out” he says.

Cheesecake? This couldn’t be ANOTHER song about cakes, could it?

Cake To Bake is still lingering in our heads.

Thejournal Thejournal

FYR Macedonia next.

There has been some opposition on Twitter to the Irish entry’s bodhráns and diddley-idle-dee factor:

Here come Switzerland with their rather dishy entrant serving up MORE Mumford and Sons-lite. How much of this can the Eurovision take? A lot, it seems.

He’s whistling. Look at how happy he is.

But his happy face obscures the dark, dark lyrics:

I am the hunter
You are the prey
I’m gonna eat you up

Errrr…

Someone in DailyEdge.ie Towers is now whistling the Swiss entry. Fess up, whoever you are.

Can you believe this is the third last song? The night has flown in. What are you eating as your Eurovision semi-final snack? I’m enjoying some Brown Hula Hoops (the best flavour, but that’s a debate for another day.)

Turns out Greece were concealing a cheeky trampoline on stage ALL ALONG. The scamps.

Let’s be real, the trampoline saved the performance.

Don’t you DARE leave, John.

Slovenia bringing us the penultimate song of the night. She’s waving that flute around like it’s a deadly weapon.

The last song of the night is a classic Eurovision duet from Romania, with that added dance edge. Because everything needs a dance edge.

Bonus circular piano:

I quite enjoy the uncertainty in the Romanian entry’s lyrics:

All the things I see
(I think I see them too)

You have to BELIEVE, Romanian singer man. Believe.

So! That’s the performances wrapped up for tonight. Now’s the time to vote, if that’s what you wish to do – just call or text the number on the screen. You can’t vote for Ireland, remember.

Here is the first of many, many recaps. So far, it’s looking like Conchita Wurst is the star of the night, and Austria will no doubt find themselves in the final. Who are your favourites?

“You won’t get a reply now,” says Marty about the text voting. Goddamn. There are our hopes, dashed.

The interval act tonight is inspired by Australia, who really really want to participate in the Eurovision but are obviously thwarted by, y’know, being in Australia.

CREEPY KOALA HEAD ALERT.

Kaspar from Borgen is urging us to make up our minds about the entrants. To be honest, apart from Austria (which is a dead cert), it could be anyone’s game. I have my fingers crossed for Kasey, Can-Linn and Ireland. PATRIOTISM.

Third time seeing that Polish butter churner and I’m STILL blushing.

Here’s 8-year-old Megan from Ireland! She was one of the lucky few Eurovision fans chosen to dance on stage at the semi-finals.

She’s tiny. She’s brilliant.

Go on Megan! Eight years old and a better dancer than I will ever be. *sobs*

The voting lines are now closed! Fingers, toes, everything crossed for Can-Linn and Kasey Smith.

Awkward green room banter. Go make a cup of tea. You deserve it.

One commenter has pointed out something troubling.

I went back and looked, and – yes, kind of.

Two seconds with Kasey in the green room. What did they talk about? Feet.

The host just gave Conchita a sausage.

And asked us to download their epp again. Epps, epps, so many epps.

The results should have been ready by now, the man in charge of the votes tells us. This means another recap. We may die here.

Although another recap isn’t so bad, as we get to see Conchita’s wondrous beard once more.

The results are in! Here we go!

The first five countries through to the final are, in no particular order:

Switzerland

Slovenia

Poland

Romania

Norway

And the next five:

Greece

Malta

Belarus

Finland

Austria

“Oh well, oh well, oh well…” We couldn’t say it better ourselves, Marty. What a disappointment. But well done to Kasey Smith and Can-Linn who did a stellar job of representing us tonight, and kudos to Conchita Wurst who so cruelly snatched our place in the final away from us.

Ah, only joking. Congrats, Conchita!

That’s it from the second Eurovision semi-final. Ireland didn’t get through. Disappointment isn’t the word, but we’re going to put on a brave face and watch the final this weekend, right?

The lovely Emer McLysaght will be taking over the liveblog on Saturday, and I will be angrily tweeting from my sofa. Stay strong. Channel Conchita.

Goodbye, my friends!